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Category: Red Meat100 Newsfinger11

Year: 20189 20148 20148 20111 20091 092

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  • weatherproof stripping on the door jamb of mediocrity
  • weatherproof stripping on the door jamb of mediocrity

      Hey there, Karen. I just stopped by to show you something I came across this morning. I know you collect buttons, so I thought you might be interested. Where? Let me see. It's on the ground there by your foot. It appears to be a decorative button from a marching band uniform. But I'm not positive. Maybe it's from an old military dress jacket. Eww, this isn't a button. It's the tip of a human finger! Hmm...you know, I wondered why such an unusual coat button would be buried in the bottom of a hospital dumpster. You're awful, Milkman Dan! Hey, I'm not the one picking filthy medical waste off the ground with my bare hands.
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  • porcupine pelt pillow
  • porcupine pelt pillow

      Say, Karen...wouldn't it be better if you went and played inside this morning? Really...? Why do you say that Milkman Dan? Well, I'm concerned that in the dim morning light you could get hit by a flying milk bottle or a dangerously swerving delivery vehicle. I'm not too worried about that happenin'. Y'see, my friend Eddie is standin' guard on the roof across the street with his BB gun. Hey, listen...I can hear him pumpin' it up. Ha! Nice try, Karen. Do you honestly think I'd still be in this business if I hadn't installed bulletproof glass and kevlar panels on my van years ago?
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  • viscous gobbets of hocked up humor
  • viscous gobbets of hocked up humor

      Honey, I can't stop obsessing about my work. Maybe you need to ask your doctor to prescribe some kind of sleep aid. No. That might make me groggy on the job and my duties at the office require me to be razor sharp at all times. Lives are depending on it. Ted, you don't work in an office. You work at a theme park and you wander around wearing a giant plush bumblebee costume, posing for pictures with tourists all day. It's not difficult. It might look easy, but bringing King Bumbly to life demands that I become a literal man-bee.
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  • languid limpets of lethargy
  • languid limpets of lethargy

      Glad you decided to brave a wintertime survival camp out with your old dad. Let's go over our gear checklist again. But we've already been over it twice. Ha! The true adventurer can't ever be too careful when staring death in the eye, Son. D-death...?! Let's do the list again. That's the spirit! Okay, we have parkas, snow boots... ...compass, first aid kit, heated sleeping bags, inflatable space tent, hatchet, bear-repellent spray, flare gun, and a GPS locater beacon. Even with all that, we could still die? Probably. I only brought this hastily scrawled list. I didn't actually have any of this stuff in our garage. Did you bring any food?
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  • teeth and nails when all else fails
  • teeth and nails when all else fails

      I'm tired of these same old holiday movies. Hold on a sec, here's one I haven't seen yet, "Santa Claus IV: Crimson Yuletide." Ridiculous. In real life, Santa would have to use a much bigger chainsaw than that if he was going to single-handedly fight off an entire army of cannibal death elves.
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