Max Cannon

Remember that old comic book character called the Human Torch, who could say the words "flame on" and catch his self on fire? I saw a guy do that the other day, only he didn't have no 'flame on' super-powers or nothin'. He was just a regular guy on fire.

Heavenly Father, sometimes I feel so powerless to help my fellow man see the wisdom of your way. How can I inspire them to walk in righteousness? I don't know. If it was me, I'd turn their water supply into an assload of flies or something, but I'm a bastard that way.

Good Lord, Milkman Dan...you're covered in blood! Should I go call the paramedics? No need, Father...I'm perfectly fine. I was just testing out my new turbo propellor-driven milk delivery vehicle. They certainly put those city bus stops close to the street, don't they?

One of my coworkers at the dairy told me a joke at lunch today that was so hilarious it made cottage cheese shoot out my nose. Ewww. That's gross. Yes it is, Karen. More disturbingly, though...I wasn't eating cottage cheese at the time. *ULP!* Whoops. Sorry, Karen. I forgot you were recovering from stomach flu. *R-R-RETCH!*

Alright, William...today I'm going to teach you a valuable lesson on science. Are you ready to proceed? Sure. I guess so. Good. Let's begin. *GLOR-R-RT!!* So what have you learned? Umm...that you're a thoroughly repugnant mechanical bastard? Excellent.