Max Cannon

I didn't get invited to no Thanksgiving dinners this year, so I figured I'll just do my own but I don't want to spend a bunch of money on it. I got me a box of instant mashed potatoes in the cupboard and I'll use some little grape jellies from the diner for cranberry sauce. And I figure that I can catch a nice fat pigeon down at the park for free.

Hmm...mouth is dry, can't feel my tongue, blurred vision, hands and legs are numb, I just went to the bathroom in my pants, and now I'm seeing lightning bolts coming out of my cardigan buttons. ZZZAK! No wonder you're not supposed to drink furniture polish.

KOFF!! For pete's sake, Ted...you've been coughing your head off all day. Please take a lozenge. I'll be fine, Honey. I just need to get all the phlegm up out of my... KOFF! Gkk! POP! On second thought, I will take one of those lozenges. A staple gun too, if you've got one handy.

I got a bunch of ideas for movies they could make. For one of them, this guy gets all shot up by some crooks, and the only part of him the doctors can save is his spine. So the spine has to go and get revenge on the crooks. I'd call it "Spinal Justice." Of course, they'd have to figure out a good special effects way so's the spine could hold a flame thrower.

Great. Just great. Now I have to go to the store at two in the mornin' and buy some more'a them little non-toxic glue sticks. After awhile you start to wonder what you ever did without 'em. It don't help none that they're so easy to carry in your pants pocket and they don't make a mess like white glue. I knew I should never have started eatin' them things.