Max Cannon

This here cowboy life ain't what it used'ta be, Dwight. Reg'lar folks're makin' all kind of sissy jokes and whutnot 'bout us lately. Don't I know it, Boss. Harlan and me can't even go into town no more without some kind'a smart remark. That settles it. I reckon we just have'ta find ourselves a brand new perfession, an' put all'a this foolishness behind us. Heck...whut else'd we do? I was thinkin' maybe pirates. I already got me a silk shirt with puffy sleeves and some velvet pantaloons. Likewise. I'll go git all them earrings and medallions outta the truck. You boys grab all'a my fancy scarves from the armoire.

I bought me one'a them self-inflating navy life rafts from the surplus store. It's pretty good, except the instruction manual left out the most important thing. You definitely don't want to be inside of a toilet stall when you pull that ripcord.

That was totally fun. I love coming out to this deserted parking lot every night and learnin' how to drive the family car. Glad you're enjoying it. My father did the very same thing for me, too. Years before I was legally old enough to drive, as well. However, take it all with a grain of salt, son. I've rarely ever obeyed a posted speed limit sign, yielded, or even signaled for a turn. They'll teach me that stuff in driver's ed. Maybe. But all you'll remember will be the low budget gore porn training film trauma.

Ted, honey? When your news program is over can you please come help me to move some things out of hallway? Sure, sweetheart. What is it that you need to move? Well, it looks like a makeshift siege wall fashioned from very heavy cinder blocks. Oh, I built that. Leave it until morning. Even if the kids manage to wriggle free from the zip ties and break out of the closet, it should hold them off 'til then.

I can't believe it. I had me that exact same dream again last night for the third time. Maybe it's a psychic sign of it comin' true. Jeez, I sure hope so. I could use me some giant mermaids to eat all them barnacles off the hull of my undersea battle station.