Max Cannon

What was it, Ted? Did you find out where that awful noise came from? No big deal, sweetheart. Just some cats fighting. Cats fighting...? Well then, what in the heck were those loud explosions? Judging from what I could tell from the scattered remains, I'd say they were fighting with hand grenades.

Sweetheart, you've got to come and see this. Honestly, Ted. I am not coming in there to watch that horrible TV show. You know I hate that kind of thing, so why even ask? But, honey... This isn't the regular show. This is the adorable 'kids and critters' episode of "World's Grisliest Appliance Mishaps."

I took my lady out to one'a them so-called 'all-you-can-eat' buffet deals for supper last night, but now I'm onto their little scam. After you empty it three or four times, they stop fillin' up the thousand island bucket.

What is it now, boys? I thought your mother and I told you to go to sleep. We heard scary noises coming from the closet. Come on now, there's nothing in that closet except some clothes, shoes, and your ventriloquist dummy collection. Yeah, but what if one of them came to life?!? Hmm...that would explain the missing kitchen knives. MAMAAAAA!!

Whats the matter, son...can't sleep? I'm scared, Dad. Hmm. Monster in your closet? Worse than that, Dad. I keep thinkin' about how life-draining and devoid of meaning and human dignity your job is, and I'm scared that when I grow up I might have a job like that. Thanks for the vote of confidence, son. Hey, did I happen to mention that a rotting, flesh-starved zombie escaped from the town cemetery earlier today?