Max Cannon

No way I can go in to work today. I feel like a screaming pile of living crap that crawled up from hell itself. *SCREEEAAA!!* *SLITHER* *GAG!* Considering that I'm looking at an actual screaming pile of living crap that just now crawled up from hell, I might head on in.

Man...I'm never gonna get to sleep. I keep worryin' about all them poor polar bears. What was I thinkin'? Mailin' a bunch of live deer ticks instead of donatin' money to help.

Damn. The wife kicked me out of the house for awhile. You ever been married, Wally? Yep. Three times. I guess I never knew that. If you don't mind me asking, how come it never worked out? You know how it is... Being married to a chubby, balding man who suffers from chronic stress-triggered incontinence isn't a picnic for any woman. Tell me about it. I left quite a mess back at home. Thank god I still have gorgeous hair.

My ma always use'ta say, "don't worry, Earl. It's always darkest before the dawn." Then she'd giggle while she stacked cinder blocks on the lid of that rusty 55 gallon drum she made me sleep in.

Gol' dang...it sure do get lonely out here in the wide open country. Mebbe I should git me into town for some friendly visitin'. Shoot. I reckon I ain't seen another soul for near two months. A feller could git a mite touched, keepin' his own company. Honestly, you needn't be so melodramatic. It's not as if you're at a loss for a pleasant, topical conversation. Shut up, you dang cow...or so help me, I'll slap you so hard your horns'll spin. Oh, right. But you'll talk to the chickens all day, no problem. That's right. Chickens ain't got no high an' mighty airs about Wagnerian opera bein' superior to the classic Broadway musical.