Max Cannon

Jeez, I'm feelin' a little depressed. I got fired from my job at the grocery store. They told me that I got sick too much and that it was a major inconvenience. I don't get what their big deal was. I mopped it up every time.

Howdy there, Mr. Ted. Sure is nice tuh see my neighbor up bright and early this mornin'. Uh, yeah. I just wanted to grab my rake. Well, heck...let's not stand out here on the stoop. Whyn't yuh come inside for a steamin' cup'a coffee and I'll go git your rake for you. I really don't think so, Clyde. Oh. Why not? Because I don't customarily come out to my tool shed to drink coffee. Can't you go find yourself an apartment or something? Well, there is this abandoned refrigerator down the street that I've had muh eye on.

What's up, Johnson? Good lord, Vince! You've got a pipe through your eye socket. Yeah. One of my buddies from the construction site stabbed me with it earlier. Well, that sure doesn't sound like something that a buddy would do. The guy didn't have a choice. I was tryin' to shove a concrete brick up his behind as a joke. Hmm. Seems like we're a little sketchy on the concept of both 'buddy' and 'joke'...eh, Vince?

Hey, Ted...I'm a little short on rent this month. Would you happen to have any odd jobs that I could do for some cash? Good question, Johnny. Let me think. You know, I'd happily pay you four dollars to thrash around on a vinyl tarp covered in melted butter while I throw oranges at you. Gosh. I don't know about that. Well, it's obvious to me that you're not too interested in doing 'odd' jobs. How about some yard work or something? Okay. Great. Three dollars to rake the yard, and I still get to throw the oranges.

I'm ready for my sexy date tonight. My ladyfriend goes kinda crazy when I'm all dressed up nice and wearin' that fancy after shave lotion she bought me for my birthday. But them peppermint lifesaver candies I stuck onto my nipples are startin' to burn like crazy.