Max Cannon

You sure are chipper today, Dan. What's the occasion? Why does one need a special occasion to bask in the warm sunshine and drink in the sweet, clean air of a glorious day? Well, since you put it that way, I guess you don't. Of course, I must admin, this new high-fiber diet has been keeping me bracingly regular. Ah. That explains why you're in my bathroom. No, I'm just borrowing a Q-tip. You might keep the kids out of the tree house for a few days.

Hey, Nick. Would you like to go over to the Softee-Swirl and get an ice cream cone or something? Ice cream, huh? First let me tell you what I like to call my 'ice cream story.' A couple years ago I was in a bar fight and I hit this guy so hard that his nose cartilage was poking out the corner of his eye socket. Wow...yuck. So how does ice cream figure into it? It doesn't. Now, why don't you run along before I dish you up some 'ice cream.' No thank you. I'm not really in the mood for it any more.

Last week, the church across the street from my apartment put in a bell tower. They ring them bells each hour from seven in the morning to ten at night. I cover for 'em between eleven to six by tossin' garbage bins off my roof every hour.

Say, Karen...did I ever tell you about when I was in the navy? You were in the navy? Yep, but it wasn't all that great. Sometimes we were ordered to kill our own shipmates to prove our loyalty to the ranking officers. That's a lie, Milkman Dan! My Uncle Bo is in the navy an' they don't do mean stuff like that. I didn't say I was in the United States navy, Karen. Hmm...now that I think of it, I'm not even sure it was a navy. Is there a navy that sells kids to pirates in exchange for opium? Mom!! Ha-ha!! Relax...no military would ever take me. With my record, I'd be lucky to get a trout fishing license.

Seriously, Ted...? Are you going to sit in that chair and stare at the fish tank for the entire weekend? I'm trying to maintain my telepathic link with the fish, honey. It's the only way I'll teach them how to play golf. I'm pretty sure that fish not only will never learn to play golf, but they don't even have any hands to hold a club. Shhh. We need to be quiet for a second, sweetheart. The rainbow guppy is about to totally blow this chip-in.