Max Cannon

When I was a kid we didn't have no mall to go to, so we hung out at the lumber store. But there weren't no actual girls that went there, so we had to pretend that all them knotted pine planks was beautiful ladies. Sometimes at night I still think about this one pretty little two-by-four named Carol who I could never get up the nerve to talk to.

Look at you, Nick. You're a mess. I thought you weren't going to get in any more fights. Relax, it wasn't a fight. Sorry, I didn't mean to doubt you. So, were you in a car accident? Ha! I wish. Look, when you eat as many convenience store 99¢ hot dogs as I do, things are bound to get a little rough in the twice-a-month elimination process. Now if you'll excuse me, I better go lay down. I think I snapped my pelvis.

Mom always use'ta tell me that I can't make no silk purse out of a pig's ear. I didn't get it. A man don't need no purse. But he can still make a pretty comfy pair of slippers out of a bunch of cats' ears.

How'd your job interview go, sweetheart? I was feeling sort of depressed, so I didn't end up going, honey. Instead, since I was near that TV station, I climbed up the transmitter tower so I could sit and think about life for awhile. Oh, Ted. I didn't realize you were feeling so down. No, I'm great now. Fox 14 News hired me as their new anchorman. Apparently, the old anchor walked off the job this morning. You don't have any journalistic experience, Ted. True. But I do look good in a suit. And, after fifteen years of marriage I can deliver even the most outrageous half truth with a completely straight face.

Ted, honey? Have you seen my new nylons? I can't find them anywhere. Uh-oh, Sweetheart. I didn't realize they were new, so I let the kids have them to make disguises. I really wish you'd given them some old socks or something to use instead. Ha! They couldn't very well use old socks to dress up like bank robbers. I suppose not. Damn! Now I can't find my driver's license and credit cards. The kids have those too. They needed fake I.D.'s and stolen credit cards in case they had to cool out in Mexico for awhile.