Max Cannon

Them li'l hummingbirds are amazin' critters. They can flap them teensy wings 80 times a second. Smart and mostly afraid of nothin'. I love to lookit 'em up real close, so I got me a bunch'a colorful types of flowers on my back porch to attract 'em there. And them glue traps I dangled from strings make sure they stick around.

Monday night, 8:17 p.m. Don't worry, Honey. I'll come hang out with you right after I watch this week's episode of 'Animal Pranks.' 10:52 p.m. Ha! Ha! Ha! I should go to bed, but I have got to see that scene again. 2:10 a.m. I just can't stop appreciating the look on that Spaniel's face when he realizes he just retrieved his ball in a shark tank.

I was just imaginin' if I had wizard powers and I could get a dragon to eat a unicorn that ate a leprechaun who swallowed a pixie by accident. Then I'd cast a spell and roast it all up with a magical sauce for the townspeople. Then they would all be filled with happiness and thank me for my gift of delicious dragicornechaunixie. It could never happen, though. Everybody knows that leprechaun meat is poisonous.

Hi, Karen. I just went over to the urgent care but their wait time was ridiculous. Why are you coming by my house if you're sick? Oh I just have a rash or something all over my back and neck. I recall that you wanted to be a nurse someday, so I thought you'd take a look. Yuck. No way. Okay. Not a big deal. I'm pretty sure it's just smallpox or the measles. I never did get any vaccinations for those two when I was a kid. Those are contagious diseases, Milkman Dan! No kidding. I'll come back and check on you in a few days and see if that's what I had. Thanks, Nurse Karen!

Boys. Please go to sleep. I have to be up for work at five tomorrow morning. We're just going to read for awhile in our beds, okay? Alright. But I don't see any books. What are you going to be reading? It's no so much a book as it is a demon summoning spell we got from off of the internet. Well, it better be an exceptionally quiet demon or I'll be summoning my belt. Dad, you can't spank a demon. Haha! There's a she-devil in my bed who might disagree.