Max Cannon

I got me some scissors an' cut a pair'a holes in the fronts of all of my t-shirts. Now I'm thinkin' I should do it with my janitor uniform, too. That way I won't have to keep changin' it to go outside so I can wet nurse that box full'a stray kittens I found in the alleyway.

Dad...can I have my allowance early this week? I had a couple unforeseen expenses that I need to take care of. It's okay with me. Let's clear it with your mom. I'd rather you didn't do that. See, she's the reason I need the extra money now. Crap. Please tell me she's not charging you carfare for rides to school again. It's even worse. She's holding all my LEGO people for ransom.

Yard's all raked up, Mister Johnson. I'll git them side hedges trimmed up now. Thanks, Clyde. Speaking of trims...I've got some hair clippers here. How about I give you a quick haircut? No disrespect, Mister Ted, but I'll have'ta politely decline yer offer. Why? It will save you a few dollars. I'm kinda superstitious. I never git my hair cut on a month beginnin' with 'K.' There are no months that begin with a 'K.' That's a big relief. It's the unluckiest letter. I'll go git some pine tar so's I kin paint a hex sign on my chest 'fore yuh start cuttin'.

Dang. Gotta cook me up a good campaign slogan if I'm a'gonna git muhself elected as president of the Western Cattlemen's Guild. Lessee...howzabout, "He's a roper, not a moper?" Naw, I 'spect I better go with, "A fella who'll take the bull by the horns." Awww, gol' durn it. That one's as tired out as muh grandmomma's lace slipcovers. Heck, Boss...me'n the boys liked that one we had for yuh. Shoot, Dwight, I reckon you boys're right. "He's meaner'n hell cuz his breeches are fulla eels" has a purty good ring to it.

Good lord, son. This new video game of yours is so realistic, it's frightening. That's not my video game, Dad. You've got the local news on. No wonder I can't figure out how to get the weather girl to equip her plasma rifle.