Max Cannon

Mr. Bix, my wife said that you stole all of our food out of the refrigerator earlier. Yes I did, Ted. I've been building a series of interconnected mechanical devices that perfectly simulate a human digestive tract. And it works perfectly. That's great, but I was hoping to make lunch. I just placed the fully processed end matter back into your refrigerator. Once you open that door you won't want lunch, trust me. I'd be mad, but the family's reaction at dinnertime is going to be worth it.

My girlfriend keeps buggin' me to move in together, but every time she comes over she complains about my apartment. For instance...she don't like the bunch of life-size human embryo sculptures that I carved out of bars of hand soap. Or the bathtub full of ketchup they're floatin' in.

Mom, I'm going down to the store to get some stuff for my science experiment. You just went to the store a half hour ago. Yeah, but I need to go again. I don't think so, dear. But, mom...I have to buy soda straws and balloons. I'll get them for you on Thursday when I do the weekly grocery shopping. That'll be too late. Larry and me need to put the blood back into his hamster's body before then.

Well, I finally went down to the city transportation office and took the test to become a metro bus driver. I did okay on the drivin' part, but I couldn't answer any of the written stuff where they ask you about traffic laws. I probably should have studied that little booklet they gave me. Instead of spendin' the whole week practicin' yellin' at people to sit down.

Jeez. It sure feels great to be able to come back outside and hang around at the park after bein' cooped up for so many weeks. Though I'm guessin' these sunbathers I've been standin' here and starin' at for the last two hours might not agree.