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Comics,
Red Meat
Nov 28, 2017
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By Max Cannon
- This time I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna jump off this here high-divin' board an' just look my fear right in the eye for once in my life. Wait a second.... those're body parts floatin' in the pool water down there. Hold on up there, buddy! Let me get the big chunks scooped out before you dive. Jeez... hope you're not an 'exploder,' too.
- Tags: Bug-Eyed Earl, exploder
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Comics,
Red Meat
Sep 6, 2016
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By Max Cannon
- Wow, look at you, you must have had one heck of a time at summer camp. That's a laugh. I spent the whole two weeks breaking my back for fifteen-hour shifts in the stifling darkness, two hundred feet underground. Really...? That far down? We never went that deep back when I went to coal-mining camp. I guess the local coal seams must be pretty played out by now. Oh well. Next summer, we'll send you to that state-quarry camp that I read about in Budget Parenting Magazine.
- Tags: Ted Johnson, Ted's Son
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Comics,
Red Meat
Jul 3, 2018
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By Max Cannon
- Hey, Matt... glad I caught you. I haven't been getting my subscription of 'Panel & Veneer World' magazine for the last few months, so I called the publisher and they told me they've been mailing it out. So what makes you think I know anything about it? For starters, I couldn't help but notice those handsome faux-woodgrain knee socks that you've been wearing lately. You got me, Johnson... I have a problem. How about I give your magazines back to you and we pretend this never happened. It's a deal. Say... if you'd like, I have some pretty explicit 'how-to' Danish cabinetry videos that you can borrow.
- Tags: Ted Johnson, The Mailman, explicit Danish cabinetry videos
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Comics,
Red Meat
Feb 13, 2018
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By Max Cannon
- Hi. Turns out my friend Gene is sick, so me and the guys were wondering if you'd be willing to come and play shortstop for us. What...?! You ask the mighty Papa Moai to play a child's game? Papa Moai... who can hear a lone atom cast off an electron from ten dimensions away! Papa Moai... who can peer between the onion-like layers that separate infinite potential from that which is and is not! Well, okay. Your loss, though. Stuart snuck out one of his dad's Penthouse magazines and we've got it in the dugout. Whoa. Let me go grab my mitt.
- Tags: Papa Moai, Ted's Son, grab my mitt
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Comics,
Red Meat
Mar 7, 2017
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By Max Cannon
- I'm plannin' way ahead for my Halloween costume this year. Don't wanna end up like last year, when I wanted to be a Dracula. But I didn't have no cape, so I used my red and white checked tablecloth as one. Everybody laughed at me when they'd ask what I was s'posed to be, and I told 'em that I'm a 'picnic vampire.'
- Tags: Bug-Eyed Earl
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Comics,
Red Meat
Feb 21, 2017
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By Max Cannon
- Glad you recommended this movie, Son. I've never seen special effects this incredible. What do you mean? It's amazing how they make the astronaut look like he's really on top of that dinosaur. What dinosaur, Dad? This movie's about mountain climbing. I'll be darned. I must've grabbed your mother's glasses by mistake. You want to move up to the front row so you can see better? Nope. I'm really enjoying my dinosaur movie.
- Tags: Ted Johnson, Ted's Son
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Comics,
Red Meat
Jan 12, 2016
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By Max Cannon
- I got a feelin' today is gonna be a way better day than yesterday was. For starters, no laser sights on my center mass and police screamin', "Take that ball gag off the clown and drop the flare gun!"
- Tags: Bug-Eyed Earl
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Comics,
Red Meat
Sep 1, 2015
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By Max Cannon
- I'm not going to sugarcoat it, folks. Our company is so far underwater that we'd literally need Aquaman to save our butts. We're so deep in the hole right now that the entire sales staff might as well start evolving into eyeless, albino cave frogs. Whoa. Yikes. "Gulp" So, you're saying that we're so far in the red that we ought to be conducting this meeting inside a gargantuan, ripe beefsteak tomato? I don't much care for your negativity, Carl. You can go clean out your desk right now.
- Tags: Ted Johnson
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Comics,
Red Meat
Jul 28, 2015
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By Max Cannon
- So, Doc... can you help me out or not? No, I can't, Ted, this issue is now outside of my legal sanction to practice medicine. Well, what do you suggest I do, then? I'll say it again: I'm not legally authorized to assist you in any way. But you were the one who wrote me a prescription for a medical mustache only three months ago. True. But now with the state 'stache law repealed, you'll have to go back to some sleazy street dealer for grooming wax.
- Tags: Ted Johnson
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Comics,
Red Meat
Jun 30, 2015
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By Max Cannon
- So this movie is actually based on some cartoon show from when you were a little kid, Dad? Yep. It used to be I couldn't wait to jump out of bed bright and early on Saturday morning to watch it. It must be cool for you to see it done in 3D computer animation. Not really. We were so whacked out on sugar and chemical food additives back then... we would've been mesmerized by a swatch of decorative floral wallpaper. Well, that explains the shirts you wear.
- Tags: Ted Johnson, Ted's Son